Ida Noe, Buzzsaw Correspondent
A story exploded on Fox News last night which, according to Fox hosts, should ‘end Biden’s presidency once and for all’. Amidst the flurry of legal activity surrounding Trump, Fox stands alone among cable news channels in practicing at journalism on the current president. While the rest of the TV news obsesses over Trump safely padlocking top national secrets in the last place anyone except the entire Justice Department and Enrico the Pool Boy would think to look, the sharp-eyed news purporters at Fox caught a glimpse of what could be the greatest national emergency since Obama signaled weakness to our adversaries by wearing a tan suit.
After scrutinizing footage of Biden boarding Air Force One on his trip to the Middle East last month, it was discovered that Biden had a suspicious piece of paper cleverly concealed under his heel as he climbed the stairs. Fox has released an image proving that it was indeed Biden, and totally not Trump, smuggling this unidentified document onto the plane, ostensibly to transfer to the intelligence agencies of either Israel or Saudi Arabia, or both.
“It’s about what our audience fears the most.”, said show producer Del Udyr; “They know Biden is a criminal, it was just a matter of time before we found something that would prove it to them.”
Indeed, the graphic certainly does seem to suggest that it was Biden, on the left and right, smuggling the document:
Encountering a Fox News watcher watching Fox News in the Fox News lobby, I asked him about the story that was unfolding.
“That’s so obviously Biden smuggling our national secrets! You can tell because there are words on the bottom of the screen that say what’s happening, which is why that’s so obviously not Trump, but Biden. This crime needs to be punished then investigated so we can impeach Biden and his laptop for good! MAGA!”
“So, you say that’s ‘obviously not Trump’, how can you tell?”
“You can see his face right there on the…” he glanced back and forth at his hands, “Right! That’s so obviously Biden, who isn’t Trump!”
“But what about the picture on the left?”
After a quick consultation with his palms, “How can that be Trump? Biden is right there in the picture, and you can’t have a picture with both Biden and Trump. Are you stupid?”
At that, he took out his phone and offered a picture:
“See! That’s me and Trump! We’re buds. Obviously I know what Trump looks like.”
I agreed that his logic was untouchable, then saw that Udyr, the producer, was calling back.
“Del, can you explain why the pic on the left looks an awful lot like the old picture of Trump boarding AF-1 with toilet paper stuck to his shoe?”
“Oh, it’s not even close. As you can see, the person on the left has Biden’s bald spot while Trump has a rich, full, sensual head of hair.”
I asked a question to the sound of panting at the other end of the line: “But the circle used to highlight the paper is the exact same color as the back of his head. Isn’t that odd?”
“Oh… hi, sorry… umm… yes! Er, no. No, that’s really nothing, probably a joke by our graphics department. We don’t have to worry about that because our viewers are very reliably certain of what we show them. They all know that’s Biden smuggling top secret documents because they got it from the best, most honest source of news on TV.”
“How do we know that’s a secret document?”
“That’s quite obvious! Why else would a president have a cleverly concealed document stuck under their heel if it wasn’t one? You can’t, by definition ‘not’ have a top secret document where there’s clearly a top secret document. It’s not hard to understand.”
“But that’s circular logic.”
“That’s right! And it’s true because it works. Our viewers are proof that circular logic is legitimate, because they believe it.”
After taking a moment to recover from the overwhelming smell of burnt toast, I agreed that his logic was flawless.
“So, what do you think is on this ‘document’?” I asked.
“Oh, probably some explosive shit.”
Thank God my phone died right there.
We’ll have to see how this story rolls out, and whether it can wipe all the discouraging news about Trump out of the head… lines.